Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Talibans' new code of conduct: join the caliphate and be happy!

Taking a page from Petreus’ successful counterinsurgency manual, the Taliban have decided to adopt its core principles and try to win over Afghanistan civilian population’s hearts and minds.

The book, with 13 chapters and 67 articles, lays out what one of the most secretive organisations in the world today, can and cannot do. It talks of limiting suicide attacks, avoiding civilian casualties and winning the battle for the hearts and minds of the local civilian population. Al Jazeera's James Bays, reporting from the capital, Kabul, said every fighter is being issued the pocket book entitled "The Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan Rules for Mujahideen".

We have had the opportunity to peruse the manual before its release to the general terrorist public and are convinced that, if Mullah Omar succeeds in implementing it, the Taliban will shortly become a force to be reckoned with.

The basic rules, to be applied with immediate effect, are:

1) Suicide bombers, before blowing themselves up, must make sure that no one is in the vicinity; if necessary, they must jump in a ditch before exploding to avoid injuring civilians.

2) Prisoners must be treated like guests and their every wish complied with, even if it implies sacrificing wives, sisters, daughters or one’s favorite goat’s purity or impoverish the kidnapper in the process. It is imperative for our success that when released, the “guest” must speak highly of his hosts and long to return to his Afghanistan prison.

3) When flirting with a prospective bride or even a “one night wedding”, avoid the “wam, bam, thank you mam” typical macho attitude, especially if the girl is younger than 4 years old; a romantic dinner and some flowers would be in order.

4) Night clubs are a great way to win over the population, especially if drinks are cheap and women in some state of undress while dancing wildly on the “cubes”. However, avoid loud music and disorderly conduct outside these establishments if they are close to hospitals, schools or Christian churches; people will be thankful.

5) Encourage the adoption of the new burkas, the short, transparent ones; winning over the ladies is the first step towards world domination.

Posted via email from captainmarlow's posterous

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